


Ridiculousness With Insanity On The Side

by Mrs_Doitsu



Category: Fate/Zero, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Fate/stay night (Visual Novel)
Genre: AU, But only in later chapters, Chef!Saber, F/M, Possibly Some OC's - Freeform, Rich!Gilgamesh, This is supposed to be funny
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-21 15:20:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9554789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrs_Doitsu/pseuds/Mrs_Doitsu
Summary: Arturia Penndragon is a relatively well known chef with a passion for food. The rich and powerful Gilgamesh is tired of cooking his own meals. And Enkidu secretly thinks they're perfect for each other. After a very dramatic altercation between them, Arthuria unfortunately finds herself the personal chef for Mr. Urk, and Gilgamesh finds himself with a new person to torment.





	1. Smells like Trouble

**Author's Note:**

> [So this is quite obviously an AU. I had discussed a Drabble idea with my fellow GilBer shipper, then decided to turn it into a full-fledged series. I want to make this as comedic as possible to counter my super dark series with both of these Tsundere's. So, no warnings thus far, and I spell Saber's real name like a female version of 'Arthur'. Enjoy!]

"And what makes you think I'll consider hiring you?"

Arthuria knew she was intimidating. Her very courageous co-workers had brought to light this personality trait when she was particularly cranky about something. But this 'bitchy trait' as they favoured to call it, was something she found to be quite useful. Especially when hiring new hands.

This boy sitting in front of her seemed to be too indecisive to be allowed into her kitchen. Her kitchen, after all, had a reputation. One did not just simply work as an apprentice of Gordon Ramsay and not develop a skill for excellent, reasonably priced, and efficiently served food. Arthuria constantly reminded her assistants that she did not put up with four years of hell for sub-par food. Food was, of course, her passion.

She loved to eat food and made it a career to share her tastes with others. And she had become quite successful, landing herself a job as a cook with a restaurant downtown London for a time. Later, she had gotten in contact with the world renowned chef Ramsay, and begged to learn his secrets. From there, she worked hard to get where she was now. She co-owned a four-star restaurant downtown New York, with a Japanese woman named Rin Tohsaka. Both women worked extremely well together, as Rin looked after rent, newspapers, critics but little to do with cooking.

This was a wonderful relationship because Rin would inform Arthuria of their finances and the blonde chef would buy food, alcohol and whatever else needed to be successful that month.

And Rin had recently informed her that one of her hands was leaving to go on Maternity leave, so another temporary hand must be hired to take her place. Arthuria was quite plainly unimpressed with the suggested choice of Rin.

This boy who sat rigid in front of her, Shia, Shirou? He was too stiff for her liking. She needed someone who was fluid and could encounter obstacles with that same fluidity. They needed to be able to address and work with problems fast and efficiently. Beside her sat a friendly Rin who was glancing at the resume and paperwork. She spoke next.

"What miss Pendragon means, is what specific qualifications do you think would assist you in her kitchen?" She beamed at the boy with a smile that seemed completely genuine. But Arthuria had known Rin for far too long to be fooled into such falseness.

Arthuria believed in being truthful and not deceitful, even if the situation called for delicacy. While Rin was quite obviously Japanese, this was more of a cultural trait to be almost overly polite. Arthuria's English heritage and upbringing had taught her to be blunt and honest. The boy before the two intelligent woman shifted in the sturdy wooden chair, thinking of an acceptable answer.

"W-well... I've always loved to cook. I've graduated from one of the best schools for cooking. And... Well, I-"

"You have no passion." Arthuria assumed, abruptly standing up, a hard expression on her face.

"I'm sorry, but I've no place for you here."

As she turned her back, she heard a murmur from the boy. She stopped, then directed her green eyes, now edging towards annoyance. She had wanted to hiss at the boy, watch him scramble out, but had held back the urge.

"What was that, Shia? Repeat yourself."

The boy jumped in surprise, clearing his throat, face now a heated red. "It's Shirou-"

"Yes, Shirou, whatever. What are you mumbling about...!"

He scratched his cheek, clearly uncomfortable. As he should be, thought Arthuria.

"I was just... I never thought someone so beautiful could be so cold."

Arthuria's eyes widened for a small moment at the comment, before her face relaxed. Rin stood up from her seat, walking past Arthuria, hand resting on the woman's shoulder, before continuing on to her office in the back, with a smirk on her face.

The petite blonde woman took the silent gesture to mean something, and would later confront the Japanese woman about it. She gestured her chin towards the door, curtly.

"I'm giving you a chance to prove me wrong, Shia. You had better make it count." She said, as gently as she could, walking out the door and intently listening to the boy scramble to follow after the chef, not bothering to correct her.

She made a silent promise to herself as she walked, that if he wasted her time, that she would burn him herself.

_}-{_

Gilgamesh gave a loud, and dramatic sigh, as he lounged on one of his lavish couches, swirling crimson wine around in a clear glass.

What a boring day.

His long time best friend, and now his advisor for his multi-million dollar making company, Enkidu, raised an eyebrow at the display from the opposite couch. A man of his standing should not be sighing like a love-sick teenager over the dullness of a day. The man being the owner of many oil companies and holder of millions. He really was a child sometimes.

"Enkidu," Gilgamesh started to whine, but the green-haired main scoffed and rolled his eyes before he could continue.

"Don't tell me. You're bored." Enkidu stood up, chuckling, before continuing to speak.

"Then entertain yourself."

He stood up and walked to Gilgamesh's extravagant looking kitchen and started to make himself a meal. Gilgamesh's Crimson coloured eyes followed his movements, frowning.

"We could... Go set something on fire. Be destructive." Gilgamesh suggested and Enkidu gave a loud laugh.

"And do you remember how well that went last time? You are too cocky, and that gets you caught." 

Gilgamesh gave a slight pout, before scoffing himself and turning back to look at his laptop, which was open and scrolling through personal cooks for hire.

"Besides, you are busy." Gilgamesh muttered, sipping his expensive alcohol.

"Oh am I?" Enkidu challenged as the clanking of dishes and pans sounded behind him, before continuing to tease his best friend. 

"You also seem so incredibly busy, searching for a suitable cook because you have grown tired of cooking your own meals." 

Gilgamesh shot Enkidu a glare as he corrected the bold statement.

"Because I have no time for such trivial matters." Enkidu gave a haughty nod of his head.

"Yes, yes, of course, Your Grace." 

Gilgamesh sighed again, turning back to look at the possible choices. He frowned. They were all male.

How revolting.

In actuality, Gilgamesh wanted an attractive, submissive woman to cook for him, wear an apron and hang onto every word he said, like an obedient wife. But all the choices available to him were male, and it made his stomach turn. And the chances of finding a woman willing to act in such a way were quite slim.

A few minutes later, Enkidu had finished making his meal, brought a plate of stir-fried vegetables and chicken for Gilgamesh to eat as well. Gilgamesh gave a subtle 'thanks' to his friend as he continued to search for someone suitable. The green haired man gathered up his paperwork from the couch and started to organize it as he forked some chicken and pepper into his mouth.

"Enkidu, why are there no women?"

Enkidu frowned for a moment, the pepper slipping slowly out of his mouth and back onto his plate when he froze. He was confused at what the other man was demanding, but understood after a moment of thought. He set his papers and food aside and got up, to look over Gilgamesh's shoulder. He made a face of disgust at some of the pictures shown.

"Ugh. How distasteful." Enkidu sneered.

"I want a woman to cook for me, not any of these mongrels."

It was almost as if a light had gone off in Enkidu's head as Gilgamesh said those words.

"A woman?" He grabbed Gilgamesh's wine glass from his hand, putting it down on the table and finding his coat.

"I know of a woman, but you must first try her cooking before making your decision."

Gilgamesh frowned, grabbing the plate of food that he had still not touched as well as Enkidu's, going to go put it in the fridge for later.

"And how will I do that?"

Enkidu smirked a devious grin.

"Have you heard of a restaurant called the Dragons Lair? I have reservations for four, but let's show up early."


	2. Table Manners

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [A/N; Hello! This has been wandering around on my phones notepad for quite sometime, I was just dealing with some minor writers block, because I had a set out plan for this chapter, I just didn't know how to go about it, if you know what I mean. Welp, I finished it last night, ad edited it just this morning, so I apologize if you find any minor mistakes. Anywho, enjoy~]

* * *

 

Gilgamesh walked into the establishment that Enkidu had brought him to, head glancing around in a haughty and uninterested manner. It was located down the Main Street of the large, bustling city, making Gilgamesh cringe at the noise. The restaurant looked to be a higher end eatery, with various well dressed waiters and waitresses, and all who ate the well prepared food looked to be well dressed also. Enkidu walked up to the polished and smooth looking front desk, pushing his hands down the front of his suit jacket to press out any wrinkles. An Asian woman with dark hair and striking blue eyes greeted them with an almost genuine smile.

"Hello, welcome to the Dragon's Lair. Do you have a reservation this afternoon, Enkidu?"

Enkidu flashed his own brilliant smile at the woman, making Gilgamesh grin as well, but not as brightly.

"I believe _we_ do, under the Uruk company?"

The woman's eyes widened as she scrambled with her sheets of paper. Gilgamesh chuckled, walking over to stand beside the green haired man. The woman was still searching, when she finally found what she had lost.

"Ah, yes here we are." She nervously tucked some strands of dark hair behind her ear.

"W-we were not expecting you until-" Enkidu smoothly interrupted her;

"We decided to come earlier. That will not be a problem, will it?"

The woman gave a tight smile and shook her head. "No, no, not at all! P-please, right this way."

The woman asked them to follow her, as she led them to a more private set of rooms with beautiful paintings on the walls and shimmering, crystal chandeliers. As Enkidu sat down and hung up his suit jacket, the woman began speaking again.

"I'm afraid I am unfamiliar with your associate today, mister Enkidu." Blinking, Enkidu nodded, gesturing to Gilgamesh, who sat down, and handed his own jacket for Enkidu to place on the hook established for such clothing.

"Ah yes, miss Rin, may I present to you," she met Gilgamesh's eyes, smiling warmly, to which the crimson eyed man did not respond.

"Gilgamesh; CEO and spokesman for Uruk and Company."

Her eyes looked like they were going to pop out of her head. Resisting the urge to roll his own at the childish display, Gilgamesh held out his hand for her to shake, looking extremely uninterested. Rin took the hand, shaking it with gentle, soft and feminine hands. She also bowed her head respectively and then let his hands go. Curious, but not enough to keep the blonde man's attention.

"Y-your server will be with you momentarily." Rin stuttered before almost sprinting out of the room and into the kitchen in a hasty and violent manner.

Gilgamesh looked at Enkidu with a sly grin.

"Is that supposed to be the woman?" Enkidu laughed, before shaking his head and hair.

"No, she is not."

* * *

 

"ARTHURIA!"

The chef looked towards the door that had almost been torn off its hinges and raised an eyebrow at a panting Rin.

"Yes-"

"HE'S HERE!"

Arthuria stared blankly at the woman. The ginger boy, Shiro, was still in the kitchen, and was watching the heated one sided exchange between the two women. He just kept submissively chopping up onions like he had been instructed to. Watching out of the corner his eyes, of course. Rin huffed and placed her hands on her hips, scowling at the blonde woman. Arthuria mentally chuckled at the rare and childish display.

"You know exactly who I'm talking about!"

"I do not."

"You do so!"

"No I do not..."

"Yes you do, damn it!"

"Rin..!"

"Ah, sorry." Rin brushed some of her hair back behind her ear in embarrassment, cheeks dusted a light pink. "It's the Secretary for THAT company."

Arthuria nodded in understanding. Enkidu was a regular at their restaurant, and a very pleasant person in general. Rin swallowed, continuing on.

"With the CEO." Arthuria continued to blink at Rin, unchanged.

"Is that supposed to mean something-"

"Yes, Arthuria, it is!"

"And?"

"Just don't mess up and embarrass me." Rin turned to leave, and Arthuria gave the woman a rare, offended look.

"Are you telling me how to do my job?" Arthuria's voice hinted at annoyance, as well as anger as she quietly asked her question.

Her colleague was never this sharp with her, in all their years of working together. Rin stopped and turned to look at the Englishwomen, who was clutching a knife with white knuckles, but a cool, collected expression. A tan hand was placed gently on her shoulder, and Arthuria dropped her knife from being startled. A man, about a solid foot and a half taller than the chef wore a white button up shirt with a matching waist apron, branded golden eyes and swept back dark hair. Arthuria directed her gaze over her shoulder at the man.

"Diarmuid. You should know better than to startle me."

"My sincerest apologies."

Rin huffed, twirling some strands of her dark locks around her pale fingers avoiding the calm gaze of Diarmuid. "I'm just-"

"We all realize this is an important person to impress. For all our reputations. We will try our very best." Diarmuid spoke quietly, but everyone listened to his quiet accented without disagreeing. Arthuria shrugged off of his hand.

"Thank you, but I can speak for myself."

Diarmuid nodded respectfully at the shorter woman before him, meeting her jade orbs and giving her a knowing look. The head chef turned back to Rin.

"If you think this pressure is going to cripple my ability to cook a meal above the level of 'satisfactory'," She gave a smirk of determination to the Japanese woman.

"Then I am afraid that you don't know me, Tohsaka."

* * *

 

Gilgamesh drummed his fingers impatiently against the immaculate tablecloth. With his other hand he swirled some of the restaurants best wine in a polished, glistening wine glass in disdain. He had much better alcohol at home. Enkidu sat beside him, silently sipping on his own white wine. Gilgamesh turned his nose at such an atrocity. Such weak drink was intolerably by someone of his standing, but Enkidu was free to do what he wished to his body. He scoffed indirectly at Enkidu.

"How can you stand to drink such swill." Gilgamesh jut his chin out at Enkidu, who looked up at the blonde man, before scoffing himself.

"I simply have reasonable standards for my life that are easy to please."

Gilgamesh hummed, before giving Enkidu an annoyed look. "I do not have unreasonable standards..."

Gilgamesh sulked back in his seat as Enkidu laughed at his expense, drinking his glass completely empty. A waiter was there momentarily to refill it, and Enkidu continued on.

"Oh really? Then please tell me why we're here to scope out this chef instead of hiring one online." Gilgamesh was quick to respond.

"Your suggestion, dear friend." Enkidu rolled his eyes and swung the braid his hair was in around so he could finger the strands whilst continuing to drink his wine. Gilgamesh sipped the newly poured drink, before chuckling to himself.

"This woman must be something different for you to think that she will entertain me."

Enkidu stopped playing with his hair momentarily, then nodded at Gilgamesh.

"Yes I do. But she's not for your entertainment. She's meant to cook your meals. That is what we are here for, after all."

Gilgamesh rolled his eyes at Enkidu, who simply shook his head and sipped his wine. Gilgamesh lounged on the bench booth that was provided to them, throwing his arm over the back and getting comfortable. He was getting comfortable enough to sleep...

"Your food is ready, gentlemen." Gilgamesh looked over, annoyed at their server, who seemed very nervous and fidgety. He held the two plates of food that the two men had ordered, gulping. Enkidu thanked him and helped the boy place the dishes on the table. Their waiter wished them a happy meal and quickly scurried away back into the kitchen. Most likely to cower and shake, thought Gilgamesh. He put down his wine glass to look at the food, before frowning at it. Enkidu began to chow on his meal, happily smiling to himself as he quietly praised the meal. Gilgamesh sighed to himself, before leaning back in his seat, declaring loudly;

"I would like to see the chef."

A nearby waitress widened her eyes at the demand, conflicting emotion's crossing her features.She almost cried out as Gilgamesh's aura seemed to darken, directing the energy at her.

"Did I stutter, mongrel? Walk." She quickly apologized and raced to the kitchen, where a great deal of yelling took place.

Gilgamesh paid no heed and closed his eyes, drinking the wine. Enkidu sighed to himself, pushing the food around on his plate.

"This is why we can't have nice things..."

Gilgamesh ignored the comment. If ignored meant kicking the green haired man under the table discreetly. Enkidu suddenly grew quiet as dainty foot steps hurried over to their table.

A female spoke. "Ah, hello mister Enkidu. Is there a problem with the food?"

Enkidu quickly responded that he was not the one who had asked to see her. So this was the chef. Gilgamesh's lips tilted into a cruel smile. He did not open his eyes when he addressed her. Nor did he face her.

"So, you are the chef that-"

"It is polite to make eye contact and face the person you are addressing. Especially me, sir."

Gilgamesh felt a pang of annoyance. How dare she speak him to him like that! He knew a way to knock her off her high horse. He suddenly stood, making everyone around them flinch, except for Enkidu and this woman.

"You expect me, too eat this slop?" He then picked up his plate of food, looked at it, then sent it air born into her face, which landed into its target perfectly. The plate slid comical slowly down her front, clattering onto the floor, disturbing the other dinners, who gasped audibly at the display.

"You must be insane."

Gilgamesh remarked on how beautiful this woman was. Especially her deep green irises, which were blazing in fury. He'd never seen a more beautifully enraged woman in all his life. That was all he remembered before she swung forward and hit him in the temple, pitching everything in black.

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> [So I apologize, Gilgamesh is very 2-D at the moment, but that's for plot development and narration sake. It's mostly going to be centered around Arthuria and her frustrations, and the slight internal monologue of Gilgy. Thanks for reading!]


End file.
